Tapping away the pain as the keys bounce from each little touch. Tingling sensations crawling over my skin. I am lost in this process.. the way that it should be. I am lost without a goal in mind. What is it that I am here to accomplish? Maybe it is not something to accomplish. Begging the infinite for an answer to this question. There is either growth or death.. but maybe stagnation is another part of the equation. And I am not interested in a path that isn’t… forward… at least somewhat… even if just in the slightest.
Practice this typing.. practice this writing.. keep the fingers tapping away at the keyboard and hope for resolution.
I am filtering my thoughts now because I know that they are public.
I am filtering the self more and I am not sure that I like it. I have to learn to let myself go. To remain gracious in my approach… to see that errors are allowed. I am not someone that is to be looked at as…. What? Fill in the blank.
I fear… change that… I am thinking about these times.. grateful for the instances that are popping in and out of my existence. Speeding through the hills. My mind is firing and there is a distant chatter that I hold off… let in one voice at a time… learn to break down the chaos into bite-sized pieces.
I hope to translate my own, internal chaotic ramblings…
there is something at the core of my being that I am hoping to be able to reach… but I don’t really know what it is that I am looking for because I haven’t ever really been there… or maybe this is another example of me finding what it is that I am looking for… the visions in my mind creating my core along the way… the visions of my mind constructing my vision of what my center would sound like…
Am I just a mirror.. staring back at myself..?
then where do these thoughts originate from? Where do I pull them from?
Do I just pull from the realities that I experience externally? Susceptible to marketing and advertisements, tweets, and Facebook posts… turning my head at the exact moment to catch a glimpse of the sunset that I have never seen.. or a dark alleyway with the homeless family… children running clad in torn pieces of clothing… smeared with the oil left in the puddles from rain the other day. It is all love. It is all beauty. There is no difference. We are no different.
I beg for answers to questions that I don’t know I am asking.
Talking myself in circles until I collapse on the floor. Energized and depleted.. energized and depleted… I am going where I tell my mind I want to go… I take orders from my gut… I take orders from my digestive tract. This is a little more interesting… I can’t think my way out of this one… just keep breathing … breathing deep and from the center of your gut.. reward yourself for the progress in the search. It is time to rest and hit the reset button.