Learn to start accepting yourself… isn’t it about time?

I guess I’ve found that it is more of a challenge that I might like to admit but there comes an overwhelming reward for breaking through with this.

I’m at the end of my rope..

right where I need to be… having exhausted all possibilities… trying all the doors… I know that I must be close because I am moments away from giving up…. I know I must be close because I have reached that breaking point.

I just want to bury my head in the sand… switch off the lights for days… forget everything there is that I can forget… hit the reset button but recognize that it is a futile attempt at fixing my broken soul.

This might not be the most uplifting freewrite that I’ve written… but this is just what I am feeling in this moment..

I have to remind myself that I am beautiful… that I am someone that is capable of so many incredible things… there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about the loved ones that I have lost… am I respecting their lives in my actions.. am I honoring their memories by being the best person I can be. Sadly, the answer is a no. I can’t even begin to scrape the surface of the person that I wish to be for the ones that deserved to have so much more in this life but were cut short…

But I have to try…

I have to try to be the best person I can be…

for myself first… because I am not sure how much longer we have to work on ourselves.. I am not sure that we are all granted the perfect exchange.. I must act to lighten my soul… lighten the guilt… light the fuse… watch the chemicals explode into a million pieces…

It is a vast universe… and I am not quite ready to disperse my soul into the void..

What magic may come from staying here… what good things may encourage the flame to burn through the cold winter night.. the answer, I know, is that

it is what we make of it… it is a reality of infinite possibilities limited only by the barriers we create in our minds…

and I am tripping in these thoughts because I am uncomfortable with the idea of discomfort.

Learn… practice.. be a good person… be open and willing to admit your mistakes… I know I have to get better at these things… the process is so painful.. my only hope is that these efforts are not in vain… scratch that… my only hope is that I experience just a fraction of the wild dreams that I have worked to manifest throughout my life… and the truth is that it is already here… it is already the reality that I have looked for.. it is already the reality that I have found and…

I must return to gratitude in these little, perfect moments.